Understanding Emotions and the Anger Funnel
by Stephen Douglas, M.A., C.C.C. © 2004
Everyone experiences anger from time to time. It is always ‘okay’ to feel anger (or any emotion, for that matter).
Emotions are signals from the body. What we need to consider is what we do with an emotion.
The Relationship between Needs and Emotions
Emotions are the body’s signal that ‘needs’ are met or unmet. Abraham Maslow (1954) first suggested that we have a
hierarchy of needs; that lower needs must be met before moving on to attend to higher needs. The first four levels are:
1) Physiological: meeting of basic needs of the body, including food, shelter, and rest.
2) Safety/security: to be safe from danger, both physically and emotionally.
3) Love and Belonging: to be accepted by, affiliated with, and loved by others.
4) Self-Esteem: to feel competent, to achieve, gain approval and recognition.
Only when all these needs are met is a person truly able to give to others and seek emotional or intellectual growth.
Emotions, then, are our body’s signal to us about the 'state of our needs' at any moment. Positive emotions occur when
we believe that our need is being met and negative emotions 'alert ' us to an unmet need.
The ‘Anger Funnel’
Another way to understand emotions is to ask: “when did or will the need occur; in the past, the future, or the present?”
FEELINGS in relation to needs...
…past …present …future
positive feelings
(= needs met) CONTENT, HAPPY, EXCITED,
satisfied, joyful, eager,
proud ecstatic hopeful
negative feelings
(= needs unmet) SAD, MAD, FEARFUL,
disappointed frustrated, anxious,
embarrassed angry worried
Sometimes we can act as though our problem is occurring in the present moment even if the outcome has already
happened or the problem has yet to appear. This creates an ‘anger funnel’ in which our response is funneled into one
emotion, anger, in any negative situation. Here is how that happens.
Children naturally experience a wide range of emotions. By school-age though, boys may be teased if they express
any sadness, or may be discouraged from expressing fear. As a consequence, men lose contact with their own
vulnerable emotions. They learned it is not okay to express sadness (an unmet need past) or fear (an unmet need
anticipated) but it is okay, even encouraged, to express anger. Consequently, we begin to act as though anything
negative is a here-and-now problem that somehow we must act to solve and respond with aggression and anger.
For example, imagine getting cut-off in traffic. If you fume about it long after the moment has passed you are holding
on to your anger. Alternatively, you may stew about an upcoming meeting, anticipating negative outcomes that have
not happened yet. These are examples of the ‘anger funnel’.
Sadness and fear invite support. It is natural and healthy to seek support when faced with a problem too great to deal
with alone. In contrast, the purpose of anger to create space and push others away. Pushing away is necessary when
someone is literally standing on your foot. It is ineffective when you fear being distanced from someone you love.
That is why as men we can create the very reaction we fear from others; afraid to show our vulnerability, we use
anger instead and push others away.
Help is available. By working with your counsellor to identify the more vulnerable feelings that underlie your anger,
you can learn to express yourself in a way that will not push others away and will help invite them to support you
instead.
You may discover a new ability to solve problems without blame or anger.
Reference: Maslow, Dr. A. H., Motivation and Personality. Brandeis University, 1954
© Stephen Douglas, M.A., C.C.C., 2004 contact Stephen Douglas for more information about counseling.
by Stephen Douglas, M.A., C.C.C. © 2004
Everyone experiences anger from time to time. It is always ‘okay’ to feel anger (or any emotion, for that matter).
Emotions are signals from the body. What we need to consider is what we do with an emotion.
The Relationship between Needs and Emotions
Emotions are the body’s signal that ‘needs’ are met or unmet. Abraham Maslow (1954) first suggested that we have a
hierarchy of needs; that lower needs must be met before moving on to attend to higher needs. The first four levels are:
1) Physiological: meeting of basic needs of the body, including food, shelter, and rest.
2) Safety/security: to be safe from danger, both physically and emotionally.
3) Love and Belonging: to be accepted by, affiliated with, and loved by others.
4) Self-Esteem: to feel competent, to achieve, gain approval and recognition.
Only when all these needs are met is a person truly able to give to others and seek emotional or intellectual growth.
Emotions, then, are our body’s signal to us about the 'state of our needs' at any moment. Positive emotions occur when
we believe that our need is being met and negative emotions 'alert ' us to an unmet need.
The ‘Anger Funnel’
Another way to understand emotions is to ask: “when did or will the need occur; in the past, the future, or the present?”
FEELINGS in relation to needs...
…past …present …future
positive feelings
(= needs met) CONTENT, HAPPY, EXCITED,
satisfied, joyful, eager,
proud ecstatic hopeful
negative feelings
(= needs unmet) SAD, MAD, FEARFUL,
disappointed frustrated, anxious,
embarrassed angry worried
Sometimes we can act as though our problem is occurring in the present moment even if the outcome has already
happened or the problem has yet to appear. This creates an ‘anger funnel’ in which our response is funneled into one
emotion, anger, in any negative situation. Here is how that happens.
Children naturally experience a wide range of emotions. By school-age though, boys may be teased if they express
any sadness, or may be discouraged from expressing fear. As a consequence, men lose contact with their own
vulnerable emotions. They learned it is not okay to express sadness (an unmet need past) or fear (an unmet need
anticipated) but it is okay, even encouraged, to express anger. Consequently, we begin to act as though anything
negative is a here-and-now problem that somehow we must act to solve and respond with aggression and anger.
For example, imagine getting cut-off in traffic. If you fume about it long after the moment has passed you are holding
on to your anger. Alternatively, you may stew about an upcoming meeting, anticipating negative outcomes that have
not happened yet. These are examples of the ‘anger funnel’.
Sadness and fear invite support. It is natural and healthy to seek support when faced with a problem too great to deal
with alone. In contrast, the purpose of anger to create space and push others away. Pushing away is necessary when
someone is literally standing on your foot. It is ineffective when you fear being distanced from someone you love.
That is why as men we can create the very reaction we fear from others; afraid to show our vulnerability, we use
anger instead and push others away.
Help is available. By working with your counsellor to identify the more vulnerable feelings that underlie your anger,
you can learn to express yourself in a way that will not push others away and will help invite them to support you
instead.
You may discover a new ability to solve problems without blame or anger.
Reference: Maslow, Dr. A. H., Motivation and Personality. Brandeis University, 1954
© Stephen Douglas, M.A., C.C.C., 2004 contact Stephen Douglas for more information about counseling.
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with stephen douglas MA CCC (C)OACCPP
counselling offices in Toronto and Burlington, Ontario
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